I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“what that mouth do?” complain
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.