The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
be careful
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*