I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
broke down and did it
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’