See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
it must be school picture day
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
President The Rock Obama
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what