I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Lassie, get help!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”