Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.