Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator