Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Jogging
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling