When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You Might Also Like
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.