When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.