cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
You Might Also Like
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.