If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5