ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
You Might Also Like
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”