ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Mornin
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?