Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.