Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Beware of the “party goblin”…