How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.