wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”