*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.