my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Not recommended for beginners.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya