Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
pat pat
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
And that about sums it up.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.