I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me :
All Day At Night
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?