mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
CUTE CAT‼︎
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read