There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.