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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Plant care tips
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE