I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Sell your car
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes