A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone