If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
See..?
.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not