Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.