My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
new record!
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was