*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…