my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Tuesday
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka