Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine