*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
You Might Also Like
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.