Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”