“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you