When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
(2022)
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
So inspired right now.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
my name if I was in the mob
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them