*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself