I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
sin harder.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit