What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
the answer was staring at me all along
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them