I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined