“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool