Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂