her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home