I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”