Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories