When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.