Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
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Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.