Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.