Twitter is an abusement park.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery